Thoughts on guilt in music practice

I've been re-reading my journal over the past year, and one year ago today I wrote "September 4th: I hit the high water mark in beating myself up." Like a lot of people raised Catholilc, I am programmed to blame myself first for my problems and go deep into a feeling of guilt. Analysizing my every move and taking inventory of my missteps. It can be about exercise and health, how much I keep up with friendships, anything, but in the past it's been a prime driver in my music making.

A question that gets posed to a lot of successful artists is the question of suffering. Do I need to suffer for my art? Isn't suffering the fuel for the fire? I reached a point in the last ten years where I realized I couldn't maintain constant guilt (and therefore suffering) if I was going to be a good human, so I started reducing my guilt by recognizing what is enough in a given day. I may have a full day of family tension - will practice energize me or have I spent enough of my fuel today? Did I write enough in those 4 hours, and can I now go be a good partner to my wife?

You watch a movie like Whiplash and you see the mindset and message we're taught: Music is a jealous lover and you best keep attentive and keep them satisfied or you will fail in all things. Reading a book like Effortless Mastery was pivotal for me: it let me off the hook, and led me to set my own bar of 'excellence', 'integrity' or better for me 'impeccability', and I started on a road to healthy development toward that bar. I want to be impeccable in my actions, but not at the cost of my well-being. I never reach that bar, but that's ok and that's the point. Healthy development toward that bar can mean being grateful that you're taking a step forward towards that bar, that you're better than you were yesterday at your craft, and that you have more to learn.

One last observation: guilt is ultimately self-indulgent, a kind of obsession with yourself. It's not about you - it's about listening to the universe and reflecting the universe back in your sound making. Guilt blocks your ability to be that higher functioning artist.